It is official: I am drinking the kool-aid and I am proud of it. No more, I wonder if we can win the Super Bowl again this year; no more, Ooh, that match-up in week three sure looks ominous. Nope, one game at a time, all the time. That goes for the Pats, the Sox, the Celts, and the Bruins. I am looking at the Raiders, the Angels with Angles, and not even the season, just training camp for the Bruins and the Celtics.
* * *
QUESTIONS APLENTY:
RAIDERS:
QUESTION: Forget about Randy Moss for a second, will LaMont Jordon know what to do when he gets the ball since he probably has not seen one in real game action in five years?
ANSWER: I think LaMont Jordon will likely jump out of his shoes in anticipation of getting the ball. After he finishes his I must kill Herm Edwards (Think Reggie Jackson in the Naked Gun) pre-game routine to get jacked up, he will be trying to run over, around, under, and through anyone in his sight once he gets his hands on the ball just out of sheer excitement about having the ball for once in his career. I understand the Jets needed a back-up for Curtis Martin, but spend a fourth-round pick on someone and trade Jordon in 2003 or 2004 when you get a second-round pick back for him. Jordon sat, sat, sat, and sat some more before leaving via free agency. Ooh, maybe the Jets will a compensatory pick in the fourth or fifth round for losing Jordon. Hoo-freaking-ray, Herm.
QUESTION: Who the heck beat out Ron Stone on the O-line? Stone was da bomb! I heard he was replaced by a badger?
ANSWER: Too true, Ron Stone was the da bomb, back in 2003. Since then, the big guy has gone down hill in a hurry. He was replaced by Brad Badger, of whom I nothing about except for that he is not a badger, but actually Max Lane in disguise. OK, I do not know that for a fact, but damn it someone has to start these ridiculous rumors on the net.
QUESTION: Is Kerry Collins for real?
ANSWER: No, he is as real as a Mr. Spock: only in the minds of the deluded who cannot separate fantasy from reality. I have not believed him ever, and am not likely to start now; that said, James Commander Cook, my #2 Middleboro Mexican, did draft Collins in the first round in our fantasy draft this year for no logical reason whatsoever that I can discern. With Oberacker not there to draft Drew Bledsoe in the first round this year, I guess someone needed to step-up once and for all.
QUESTION: No one cares about your sissy-boy fantasy football team, Bent, especially since you will get trashed this year by the all-powerful Pittsburg Gorillaz.
ANSWER: Sorry, that one must have been through a time-warp. My apologies for the inside joke that Kat, Gallagher, Brigs, Chazer, maybe Rickles and no one else will get. And no, there will be no explanations.
QUESTION: What will you do without Chazer trading away Shaun Alexander this year?
ANSWER: Draft him!
QUESTION: Get back to the subject of the Raiders, you idiot.
ANSWER: That is not in the form of a question. Therefore, I will continue to babble about fantasy football for the next twenty minutes or so. [Editor Note: The following content was deleted due to total lack of relevance, coherence, and for devolving into a mush of swearwords directed at writer himself for apparently drafting two receivers from the Arizona Cardinals which he tried to communicate to the reader in a Scottish dialect ala Groundskeeper Willie or James Doohan. Please accept our sincerest apologies and consider yourself lucky not to have had to read that drivel.]
QUESTION: Are you OK enough to continue?
ANSWER: Yes.
QUESTION: One last Raiders question: who the heck is Nnamdi Asomugha?
ANSWER: A first round pick last year, Asomugha is one player who will be toasted with a Tetleys every single time his name is said and I will shout out Keep throwing at AssMugger! until Kat throws me out of the room/house/town/county/state/country. [Editor Note: One word, and the apple gets shoved in his mouth so hard he looks like the main course at a Hawaiian Pig Roast and Luau.]
PATRIOTS:
QUESTION: Can Corey Dillon handle the awesome defensive line of doom of the mighty Oakland Raiders?
ANSWER: Umm, was it my bad memory, or was the defensive line of for the Raiders the one that doomed them last season? Warren Sapp, Ted Washington, Bobby Hamilton, and that other guy who no one knows what his name may have a few championship rings among them, but it does not change the fact that they are fat, old, slow, fat, old, slow, fat, old, slow, and I really have no idea who this fourth guy on the line is and if he is any good or just another fat, old, slow wide-body. The biggest plus for the Raiders is that the three fat, old, slow guys will be fresh and ready to play, at least this week.
QUESTION: What happened to Charles Woodson?
ANSWER: Injuries, loss of confidence, decline in ability, and the shame of the head-slap during the famous tuck play.
QUESTION: Will you ever give it up about the Woodson head-slap? You babbled enough about it yesterday!
ANSWER: No, I will not. I have the wild-boys at coldhardfootballfacts.com behind me now, and I will not be silenced.
QUESTION: Is Chad Scott going to be the secret weapon devised by Belichick to stop Randy Moss and shadow him over the field and lead him into vicious hits by Eugene Wilson and Rodney Harrison?
ANSWER: Wow. What a great question. I wish I had thought to ask it. [Editor Note: he did. No one e-mails the loon these questions. He is some kind of multi-personality, bi-polar fruitcake if you ask me.] No, at cool an idea that is that Belichick has this secret ace up his sleeve, I think the Pats zone defense will be enough to give Moss his stats, keep him out of the end-zone more than once, and give the Pats a comfy win.
QUESTION: Did you, or did you not, just say yesterday you thought that Oakland could possibly upset the Pats in the first game of the season as it is the most difficult to game-plan for and tells the least about a team.
ANSWER: Yes, but I also believe that I could possibly wake-up some morning with the winning MegaMillions ticket and have lost forty pounds in my sleep. All things are possible, young grasshopper.
QUESTION: Are there any real football questions left?
ANSWER: Yes, but just one.
QUESTION: What do you predict as the final score?
ANSWER: Patriots 34 Oakland 13
* * *
RED SOX:
FROM CURSES TO ACCOLADES:
The swearing the neighbors heard yesterday in the greater East Taunton, MA area was directed at none other than Bronson Vedder of the Red Sox as he quickly built a three-zip lead for the Angels with Angles. I thought for sure that Jeremi Gonzalez would be in the game by the fourth inning and, as I had dreaded, the string of good pitching and bullpen rest would come to an end with Bronson on the mound. Fortunately, he found his change-up (where has that pitch been all year?) and started getting outs. Lots of outs, in fact. Lots and lots and lots of outs to be precise.
Bronson, now that the music career is on hold and he is not renting rooms at the Radisson with Northeastern freshmen, appears to finally be getting ready to get on a hot streak.
MISC:
REQUIRED PEDRO BASHING IN THREE, TWO, ONE:
God, I hate the Mets. I hate their logo, their stadium, their colors, their players, their history, their fans, their sportswriters, and especially their mascot. And this is no recent, Pedro-defecting hate. This hate goes back. Not to 1986, oh no. Before then, back to the early eighties when the go-go St. Louis Cardinals were the most exciting team in baseball and captured my 8-year old affections.
Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, Howard Johnson, the Miracle Mets, Gregg Jeffries Rookie Cards being bought by the case by Link Jarvis; no, this Mets hatred goes back and runs deep.
So, now is great time to ridicule a move by the Mets brain trust that will likely keep them from the playoffs as they resisted using their best pitcher due to a dispute he had with the pitching coach. No, not Pedro, but Jae Seo, of the 7-1 record and 1.79 ERA has been the Mets best pitcher. He was sent down in May after pitching seven shutout innings. He only returned in early August. So the Mets, keep their best pitcher in the minors while they fade from the pennant race in the dog days of summer because their so-called genius pitching coach gets in a feud with a kid who barely speaks English. Classic.
* * *
* * *
QUESTIONS APLENTY:
RAIDERS:
QUESTION: Forget about Randy Moss for a second, will LaMont Jordon know what to do when he gets the ball since he probably has not seen one in real game action in five years?
ANSWER: I think LaMont Jordon will likely jump out of his shoes in anticipation of getting the ball. After he finishes his I must kill Herm Edwards (Think Reggie Jackson in the Naked Gun) pre-game routine to get jacked up, he will be trying to run over, around, under, and through anyone in his sight once he gets his hands on the ball just out of sheer excitement about having the ball for once in his career. I understand the Jets needed a back-up for Curtis Martin, but spend a fourth-round pick on someone and trade Jordon in 2003 or 2004 when you get a second-round pick back for him. Jordon sat, sat, sat, and sat some more before leaving via free agency. Ooh, maybe the Jets will a compensatory pick in the fourth or fifth round for losing Jordon. Hoo-freaking-ray, Herm.
QUESTION: Who the heck beat out Ron Stone on the O-line? Stone was da bomb! I heard he was replaced by a badger?
ANSWER: Too true, Ron Stone was the da bomb, back in 2003. Since then, the big guy has gone down hill in a hurry. He was replaced by Brad Badger, of whom I nothing about except for that he is not a badger, but actually Max Lane in disguise. OK, I do not know that for a fact, but damn it someone has to start these ridiculous rumors on the net.
QUESTION: Is Kerry Collins for real?
ANSWER: No, he is as real as a Mr. Spock: only in the minds of the deluded who cannot separate fantasy from reality. I have not believed him ever, and am not likely to start now; that said, James Commander Cook, my #2 Middleboro Mexican, did draft Collins in the first round in our fantasy draft this year for no logical reason whatsoever that I can discern. With Oberacker not there to draft Drew Bledsoe in the first round this year, I guess someone needed to step-up once and for all.
QUESTION: No one cares about your sissy-boy fantasy football team, Bent, especially since you will get trashed this year by the all-powerful Pittsburg Gorillaz.
ANSWER: Sorry, that one must have been through a time-warp. My apologies for the inside joke that Kat, Gallagher, Brigs, Chazer, maybe Rickles and no one else will get. And no, there will be no explanations.
QUESTION: What will you do without Chazer trading away Shaun Alexander this year?
ANSWER: Draft him!
QUESTION: Get back to the subject of the Raiders, you idiot.
ANSWER: That is not in the form of a question. Therefore, I will continue to babble about fantasy football for the next twenty minutes or so. [Editor Note: The following content was deleted due to total lack of relevance, coherence, and for devolving into a mush of swearwords directed at writer himself for apparently drafting two receivers from the Arizona Cardinals which he tried to communicate to the reader in a Scottish dialect ala Groundskeeper Willie or James Doohan. Please accept our sincerest apologies and consider yourself lucky not to have had to read that drivel.]
QUESTION: Are you OK enough to continue?
ANSWER: Yes.
QUESTION: One last Raiders question: who the heck is Nnamdi Asomugha?
ANSWER: A first round pick last year, Asomugha is one player who will be toasted with a Tetleys every single time his name is said and I will shout out Keep throwing at AssMugger! until Kat throws me out of the room/house/town/county/state/country. [Editor Note: One word, and the apple gets shoved in his mouth so hard he looks like the main course at a Hawaiian Pig Roast and Luau.]
PATRIOTS:
QUESTION: Can Corey Dillon handle the awesome defensive line of doom of the mighty Oakland Raiders?
ANSWER: Umm, was it my bad memory, or was the defensive line of for the Raiders the one that doomed them last season? Warren Sapp, Ted Washington, Bobby Hamilton, and that other guy who no one knows what his name may have a few championship rings among them, but it does not change the fact that they are fat, old, slow, fat, old, slow, fat, old, slow, and I really have no idea who this fourth guy on the line is and if he is any good or just another fat, old, slow wide-body. The biggest plus for the Raiders is that the three fat, old, slow guys will be fresh and ready to play, at least this week.
QUESTION: What happened to Charles Woodson?
ANSWER: Injuries, loss of confidence, decline in ability, and the shame of the head-slap during the famous tuck play.
QUESTION: Will you ever give it up about the Woodson head-slap? You babbled enough about it yesterday!
ANSWER: No, I will not. I have the wild-boys at coldhardfootballfacts.com behind me now, and I will not be silenced.
QUESTION: Is Chad Scott going to be the secret weapon devised by Belichick to stop Randy Moss and shadow him over the field and lead him into vicious hits by Eugene Wilson and Rodney Harrison?
ANSWER: Wow. What a great question. I wish I had thought to ask it. [Editor Note: he did. No one e-mails the loon these questions. He is some kind of multi-personality, bi-polar fruitcake if you ask me.] No, at cool an idea that is that Belichick has this secret ace up his sleeve, I think the Pats zone defense will be enough to give Moss his stats, keep him out of the end-zone more than once, and give the Pats a comfy win.
QUESTION: Did you, or did you not, just say yesterday you thought that Oakland could possibly upset the Pats in the first game of the season as it is the most difficult to game-plan for and tells the least about a team.
ANSWER: Yes, but I also believe that I could possibly wake-up some morning with the winning MegaMillions ticket and have lost forty pounds in my sleep. All things are possible, young grasshopper.
QUESTION: Are there any real football questions left?
ANSWER: Yes, but just one.
QUESTION: What do you predict as the final score?
ANSWER: Patriots 34 Oakland 13
* * *
RED SOX:
FROM CURSES TO ACCOLADES:
The swearing the neighbors heard yesterday in the greater East Taunton, MA area was directed at none other than Bronson Vedder of the Red Sox as he quickly built a three-zip lead for the Angels with Angles. I thought for sure that Jeremi Gonzalez would be in the game by the fourth inning and, as I had dreaded, the string of good pitching and bullpen rest would come to an end with Bronson on the mound. Fortunately, he found his change-up (where has that pitch been all year?) and started getting outs. Lots of outs, in fact. Lots and lots and lots of outs to be precise.
Bronson, now that the music career is on hold and he is not renting rooms at the Radisson with Northeastern freshmen, appears to finally be getting ready to get on a hot streak.
MISC:
REQUIRED PEDRO BASHING IN THREE, TWO, ONE:
God, I hate the Mets. I hate their logo, their stadium, their colors, their players, their history, their fans, their sportswriters, and especially their mascot. And this is no recent, Pedro-defecting hate. This hate goes back. Not to 1986, oh no. Before then, back to the early eighties when the go-go St. Louis Cardinals were the most exciting team in baseball and captured my 8-year old affections.
Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, Howard Johnson, the Miracle Mets, Gregg Jeffries Rookie Cards being bought by the case by Link Jarvis; no, this Mets hatred goes back and runs deep.
So, now is great time to ridicule a move by the Mets brain trust that will likely keep them from the playoffs as they resisted using their best pitcher due to a dispute he had with the pitching coach. No, not Pedro, but Jae Seo, of the 7-1 record and 1.79 ERA has been the Mets best pitcher. He was sent down in May after pitching seven shutout innings. He only returned in early August. So the Mets, keep their best pitcher in the minors while they fade from the pennant race in the dog days of summer because their so-called genius pitching coach gets in a feud with a kid who barely speaks English. Classic.
* * *
Comments