Friday, October 28, 2005

THE DOOR

Can someone inform Johnny Damon that the free-agency period has begun and to remove himself from the premises as soon as possible? Seriously, the Red Sox need Damon, aka Bernie Williams circa 2005, on their roster the next five years like they need Matt Young in the rotation and Jack Clark batting clean-up.

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RED SOX:

HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY. HELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY:


Time to review the cupboard and shopping list for 2006:

First, the Do not let the door hit you in your ass on the way out group:
CF Johnny Damon: the act was overdone and you are worth three years, 21 million total at the best.
1B Kevin Millar: again, out with the preening, me-me-me media stars. Pedro the Diva, Johnny the Caveman, and Rally Karaoke Guy all out; nothing but ballplayers left on the roster.
3B Bill Mueller: Look, I admire Mueller (even though he does not know how to pronounce his own name), and I like him a lot, but not more than 2 years, $4 million total which is his value. It is finally time for the Greek God of Walks to ascend to the Parthenon.
SP Bronson Arroyo: From chasing jailbait to being trade bait (damn, that sounded funnier in my head than when I typed it. Maybe because I could hear Steven Tyler of Aerosmith screeching J-j-j-j-j-j-jailbait in my head as I am one of the few people who actually bought, listened to, and then re-listened to their 1982 freak show album Rock in a Hard Place, which they made without Joe Perry. The album included Jailbait and a bunch of unlistenable crap about ponies, butterflies, and whatever other visions a coked-up Steven Tyler was seeing when he wrote the garbage).
2B Tony Graffanino: Sorry, Graf, but someone has to go and Alex Not Joey Cora already has a contract.
C Doug Mirabelli: It is now the Kelly Shoppach era. Mirabelli nets a AA pitcher to be named later.
Various Other hanger-ons and assorted fill-ins: crap in, crap out.

SP Jonathan Papelbon: All we are saying, is win twelve games.
SP Curt Schilling: Healthy and wealthy, he goes out of baseball on a Roger Clemens-like high note and then un-retires to pitch two more seasons in Arizona and moon Randy Johnson on his way to the ballfield each day.SP Matt Clement: THIS is the year he will put it all together.
SP Tim Wakefield: He keeps going, and going, and going, and going.
SP Jon Lester/Unspecified Free Agent Starter: I say Lester and keep craking out: the Kids are Alright
SP: David Wells: Hey, no one put a gun to his head and made him sign a two-year contract. Like San Diego will 1. pay him $6 million plus incentives; and 2. trade anyone of value to Boston for him. Sorry, Boomer, but you are stuck in Beantown.
(Bent, you say, there are six starters! Yes, I reply, for three starters 37+ equals a need for more arms.
RP Mike Myers/Unspecified Lefty Specialist: Francona likes Myers, and that is good enough for me.
RP Chad Bradford: Remember, a bad back plus and underhand pitcher equals not too effective. He has ty stuff when healthy, and should be a big boost next year.
RP Unspecified Middle reliever: Someone needs to fill this role. Is Alan Embree back on the juice yet so he can get the fastball back up to 98 and come back? Maybe Danny Graves on the cheap would be a good pickup?
RP Craig Hansen: Yeah, like he will open the season in AA or AAA. Set-up man and future closer in the pen, that is where Hansen will be.
RP Manny DelCarmen: Manny DC should take on the role of young, flame-throwing set-up man from day one out of the pen.
RP Keith Foulke: He will return, he will be effective, and he will care more about how the Bruins are doing. Of course, as long as he is effective, no one will care.

1B David Ortiz/John Olerud: Papi can use a glove and probably will hit better being more in the flow of the game. Olerud is a great fit at back-up.
2B Alex Cora/Dustin Pedroia: Cora is so valuable because he can play 2B or SS. Pedroia is a ballplayer (think David Eckstein with a bit more pop) and is ready now.
SS Edgar Renteria: Obviously, Renteria , so solid for so long, is ready to break out with a big year. I STILL LOVE YA, EDGAR BABY!
3B Nomar
Just kidding.
3B Kevin Youkilis: Make way for the Greek God of Walks. May he develop power to the gaps.

LF Manny Ramirez: He is just too good to trade without a super return (i.e. front-line starting pitcher, starting OF, and prospect.
RF Trot Nixon/Adam Stern: Well, Nixon is hurt all the time, and Stern should get a shot to play once in a while.
CF Free Agent/Trade: I suggest Jacques Jones. Cheap (in comparison to the caveman), developing power, still young, and a solid player already. GO GET HIM!

DH Free Agent to be determined: Why go after a first baseman? Get an outfielder and put Ortiz at first. I suggest Jermey Burnitz as a perfect fit for the role of DH in Boston.

C Jason Varitek: the Captain. Gotta keep him healthy and rested.
C Kelly Shoppach – There is no reason he should sit behind Mirabeli.

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BIZARRO THOUGHTS FROM THE PRIMORDIAL OOZE BETWEEN MY EARS:

* Bruins Win? Do they still play hockey in Boston?

* A lesbian in the WNBA? I am shocked! Next someone will tell me there are lesbians in the LPGA.

* Tedy Bruschi brings one critical thing to the New England Patriots defense that it has lacked this year: Swagger.

* Gerald Green of the Celtics is not Jerome Moiso, nor is he Kedrick Brown, but he is going to be a star.

* Ty Poole of the Pats goes from 50-50 to out for the year? Way to yap your way into the doghouse, Tyrone.

* Is Christian Fauria still on the Pats? He is? Well where the hell has he been?

* See, Corey Dillon has a great sense of humor.

* How long until Brian Cashman and Joe Torre realize that taking the money was not worth the abuse?

* Speaking of Regular Joe Torre, who is going to be mixing his gin and tonics with Melle Mel Stottlemeyer gone?

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