Sunday, November 05, 2006

HIGHWAY ROBBERY

I try to be fair. I really, really do. But this is beyond ridiculous. Derek Freaking Jeter winning another undeserved Gold Glove? What kind of dunderhead votes for this glorified left fielder as the best fielding shortstop in the American League? Yes, I know I am the one constantly pointing out that Captain Intangibles is the most overrated player in baseball history since Joe DiMaggio, but give me a break! Gold Glove? Gee, at least Eric Dirty Chavez of Oakland was a legitimate contender and had a case for getting it ahead of Mike Lowell, but Jeter? Jeter is not even the best shortstop on his team (I put him fourth behind A-Rod, Cano, and the guy who dances around during the seventh inning stretch raking the infield). I mean, did any of these voting players or coaches watch Alex Gonzalez? Heck, The best fielding shortstop really is in Seattle, but I am a little partial to A-Gon. Jeter? What a disgrace.

Since I am ranting about the Great DiMaggio (that is the old Cuban fisherman from the Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway calling him that, not me!), I may as well rehash my vitriol about Mr. Coffee himself: The man was not very nice to Ms. Norma Jean Baker-Dougherty (aka Marilyn Monroe). Number one, when you shack up with the sexiest woman born before World War Two, petty jealousy and smacking her around are not really how one wants to waste their time; Also, the joker sold out to pitch coffee makers. Yaz at least hawked bread and kielbasa (Polish Power!). My generation knows DiMaggio only as Mr. Coffee. Teddy Ballgame is at least known as the old guy who got screwed over by his son and stuck in a freezer. Inglorious, yes, but sadly true; Finally, Joltin Joe used to take long, luxurious baths with Phil Rizzuto after games and talk longingly about hand creams, massages by immigrant man-servants, and the Kaiser. OK, I made that up. But, dammit, DiMaggio hit .408 in 1941 over the 56 games of his record batting streak. Teddy Ballgame hit .406 for the season. I repeat: FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON! That is right, Teddy was the man. He flew combat missions while Joe D. drank whiskey and hit on German women at American Air Bases during World War Two. Why do Red Sox fans have these complexes? Hmmm.

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WEEK NINE PICKS:

No time for comments, but here are the winning picks, so get your calls into your bookie (great, I read that out loud and my son says: Call your Wookie? Bwah-hah-ha!)

Atlanta at Detroit
WINNER: ATLANTA

Cincinnati at Baltimore
WINNER: BALTIMORE

Dallas at Washington
WINNER: WASHINGTON

Green Bay at Buffalo
WINNER: GREEN BAY

Houston at NY Giants
WINNER: NY GIANTS

Kansas City at St Louis
WINNER: ST LOUIS

Miami at Chicago
WINNER: CHICAGO

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
WINNER: NEW ORLEANS

Tennessee at Jacksonville
WINNER: JACKSONVILLE

Minnesota at San Francisco
WINNER: MINNESOTA

Cleveland at San Diego
WINNER: SAN DIEGO

Denver at Pittsburgh
WINNER: DENVER

Indianapolis at New England
WINNER: NEW ENGLAND

Oakland at Seattle
WINNER: SEATTLE

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